X-Mas Eve

i'm sitting here waiting for my cousin to come
over for our christmas eve dinner.
it rocks being spanish becuase i get to
open my gifts tonight instead of tomorrow.
i love being on vacation, especially since
i get to go back to my nocturnal cycle while
im off.

there's been mostly only one thing digging
itself into my mind lately, and thats the thought
that i actually am falling in love this time, and
honestly, it's a very strange feeling. looking
back it seems that everything that's happened
was just pointing me in her direction. i get to
see her this friday for a christmas dinner
with her family. =]

i was walking around the mall the other day
with my friend's gas mask on, while he was
wearing cyber goggles. everyone was
giving us that WTF look, and this one
girl from my school who we saw there
asked me what the hell i was wearing.
it was great.
now i really want to get one of my own,
and a pair of goggles too.

now just to wait for my rents to finish
cooking so i can start devouring everything.
i'm starving.

magick is always an option

so yea, i haven't posted anything new about my
life in a while; at least not since mayhem. not much
has happened since. i've been back in school for almost
a month and we've been going out for almost two. a couple
of cool new kids have turned into my friends, mostly
freshmen though, which makes it feel kind of weird that
i don't have more friends my age in school, but most of the
kids in my grade are kind of annoying... not exactly my type.
i got picked to go on the freshmen retreat as a senior counselor;
interesting because i never got to go as a freshman. the bonfire
and staying up till 3 am was awesome fun.


Chaos has been present around me everywhere recently through
random events and people. like today, this kid in one of my classes
just randomly told me "magic is always an option". at first i didn't
think much of it, but then later i was able to use magick to get
something i want, the money to go to a concert in the city this
friday. hopefully i'll have strength left to use it later to get my
girlfriends rents to let her go too. even though i'd be going with
friends, i love hanging out with her. <3

MAYHEM

was amazing!!
and now we're going out.

my bodies one big bruise
from moshing though, but
i'm completely happy.

Mastodon was crazy
Disturbed rocked
and Slipknot left them
all behind. All the other
bands i managed to see
were awesome too.

we almost got locked out
but chaos brought it all
together and there was
a dude there that helped
us get back in. Hail Eris!

i'm so sore and dead
right now, but i could
care less. she's finally
my girlfriend.

she does!

:D

now i just cant wait until
Mayhem to ask her
out.
i was told she's gonna come
up to me and give me a kiss.
aww shes soo cute.

the snake dreams went away
once i made up my mind on
who i really liked. i'm grateful
to the horned & feathered
serpent spirit.
i started branding a horned
snake onto my ankle as
a tribute but it
didn't come out the way i
wanted so its probably
gonna end up being an
anarchy symbol instead.

im so happy that she likes
me though. i don't know if
i can hold it in till Mayhem
but i'll try my best.

i've made up my mind

now i just hope she feels the
same way about me.
waiting drives me insane-
being stuck between will
she say yes or not. aghhh

i think i've made the right
choice... as confusing as it
was.

the strangest dreams have
been plaguing me lately.
two nights ago a snake
covered in eyes slithered
into my dream. it wouldn't
let me grab it though because
apparently being touched
hurt it.

nd then last night i dreamed
about a huge owl, frog-like
amphibians and especially
tons of snakes. there was this
huge feathered and horned
snake surrounded by cobras
of all sizes. there was even a
mini cobra sitting on top of it.

choosing between girls
and not knowing whats
gonna end up happening
has thrown me into sexual
anxiety. at least i think
thats what it is. grrrr

i wonder if the goddess
is trying to tell me something
through all of this too.

we'll see what ends up happening.
i cant stand the wait.

hope?

a glimmer of hope
after letting go?
or is this just an
excuse for my old
demons to come back.

a chance for
dreams once
dreamt,
a new beginning?

with light comes shadows
and with hope, doubt.
a flaming passion and a
burning fury. anger at
myself, anger at chaos.
rage at the past.

and i stand at the threshold
of light and darkness, standing
guard between ecstasy and
depression again and
i must fight it.

i just hope its not a trap.

i hate today

im supposed to be at
a wednesday 13 show right now
in the city with my friend dan.
he's going off to college next
month. but then his mom ended
up not letting him go.
grrrr
and so my mom wouldn't let me
go into the city this late with
anyone else.

i was really looking forward
to that show tonight.
but at least there's still
Mayhem next month.

i feel kinda lonely too, specially
today. maybe its the sleep
deprivation exercises, which
i keep on failing at. haven't done
anything in a while though
so i miss my friends... alot.

speaking of sleep deprivation,
i just cant do it. i get too bored
at around three am. i know
gnosis is the answer to everything.
the goddess told me so herself, but
i just keep on failing to reach it.

i did do some meditation and
energy work last night though.
its easier in the dark while
half asleep to visualize the flow
of energy and stuff.

hopefully i'll see some progress soon.
i just feel really empty today.