she does!

:D

now i just cant wait until
Mayhem to ask her
out.
i was told she's gonna come
up to me and give me a kiss.
aww shes soo cute.

the snake dreams went away
once i made up my mind on
who i really liked. i'm grateful
to the horned & feathered
serpent spirit.
i started branding a horned
snake onto my ankle as
a tribute but it
didn't come out the way i
wanted so its probably
gonna end up being an
anarchy symbol instead.

im so happy that she likes
me though. i don't know if
i can hold it in till Mayhem
but i'll try my best.

i've made up my mind

now i just hope she feels the
same way about me.
waiting drives me insane-
being stuck between will
she say yes or not. aghhh

i think i've made the right
choice... as confusing as it
was.

the strangest dreams have
been plaguing me lately.
two nights ago a snake
covered in eyes slithered
into my dream. it wouldn't
let me grab it though because
apparently being touched
hurt it.

nd then last night i dreamed
about a huge owl, frog-like
amphibians and especially
tons of snakes. there was this
huge feathered and horned
snake surrounded by cobras
of all sizes. there was even a
mini cobra sitting on top of it.

choosing between girls
and not knowing whats
gonna end up happening
has thrown me into sexual
anxiety. at least i think
thats what it is. grrrr

i wonder if the goddess
is trying to tell me something
through all of this too.

we'll see what ends up happening.
i cant stand the wait.

hope?

a glimmer of hope
after letting go?
or is this just an
excuse for my old
demons to come back.

a chance for
dreams once
dreamt,
a new beginning?

with light comes shadows
and with hope, doubt.
a flaming passion and a
burning fury. anger at
myself, anger at chaos.
rage at the past.

and i stand at the threshold
of light and darkness, standing
guard between ecstasy and
depression again and
i must fight it.

i just hope its not a trap.

i hate today

im supposed to be at
a wednesday 13 show right now
in the city with my friend dan.
he's going off to college next
month. but then his mom ended
up not letting him go.
grrrr
and so my mom wouldn't let me
go into the city this late with
anyone else.

i was really looking forward
to that show tonight.
but at least there's still
Mayhem next month.

i feel kinda lonely too, specially
today. maybe its the sleep
deprivation exercises, which
i keep on failing at. haven't done
anything in a while though
so i miss my friends... alot.

speaking of sleep deprivation,
i just cant do it. i get too bored
at around three am. i know
gnosis is the answer to everything.
the goddess told me so herself, but
i just keep on failing to reach it.

i did do some meditation and
energy work last night though.
its easier in the dark while
half asleep to visualize the flow
of energy and stuff.

hopefully i'll see some progress soon.
i just feel really empty today.

how time's gone by and related nonsense

woah!!
the school years been over and im
already half way done with the summer.
i cant believe it, i'm a senior.
thats kinda scary.

and now that my grandma's living
with us i have less space and less
free time to do my stuff, but i don't
really mind... she's kinda fun. and
if i manage to get a summer job i'll
be able to get a car !!!

theres this girl i kinda like but a part
of me doesn't want to like her. it makes
for a really confusing and kinda emo
trip... not fun. the worst part is that
she's really awesome which makes
it even harder to not want to like
her.

aghh!
i wonder if it'll all eventually
come together.