X-Mas Eve

i'm sitting here waiting for my cousin to come
over for our christmas eve dinner.
it rocks being spanish becuase i get to
open my gifts tonight instead of tomorrow.
i love being on vacation, especially since
i get to go back to my nocturnal cycle while
im off.

there's been mostly only one thing digging
itself into my mind lately, and thats the thought
that i actually am falling in love this time, and
honestly, it's a very strange feeling. looking
back it seems that everything that's happened
was just pointing me in her direction. i get to
see her this friday for a christmas dinner
with her family. =]

i was walking around the mall the other day
with my friend's gas mask on, while he was
wearing cyber goggles. everyone was
giving us that WTF look, and this one
girl from my school who we saw there
asked me what the hell i was wearing.
it was great.
now i really want to get one of my own,
and a pair of goggles too.

now just to wait for my rents to finish
cooking so i can start devouring everything.
i'm starving.

magick is always an option

so yea, i haven't posted anything new about my
life in a while; at least not since mayhem. not much
has happened since. i've been back in school for almost
a month and we've been going out for almost two. a couple
of cool new kids have turned into my friends, mostly
freshmen though, which makes it feel kind of weird that
i don't have more friends my age in school, but most of the
kids in my grade are kind of annoying... not exactly my type.
i got picked to go on the freshmen retreat as a senior counselor;
interesting because i never got to go as a freshman. the bonfire
and staying up till 3 am was awesome fun.


Chaos has been present around me everywhere recently through
random events and people. like today, this kid in one of my classes
just randomly told me "magic is always an option". at first i didn't
think much of it, but then later i was able to use magick to get
something i want, the money to go to a concert in the city this
friday. hopefully i'll have strength left to use it later to get my
girlfriends rents to let her go too. even though i'd be going with
friends, i love hanging out with her. <3

MAYHEM

was amazing!!
and now we're going out.

my bodies one big bruise
from moshing though, but
i'm completely happy.

Mastodon was crazy
Disturbed rocked
and Slipknot left them
all behind. All the other
bands i managed to see
were awesome too.

we almost got locked out
but chaos brought it all
together and there was
a dude there that helped
us get back in. Hail Eris!

i'm so sore and dead
right now, but i could
care less. she's finally
my girlfriend.

she does!

:D

now i just cant wait until
Mayhem to ask her
out.
i was told she's gonna come
up to me and give me a kiss.
aww shes soo cute.

the snake dreams went away
once i made up my mind on
who i really liked. i'm grateful
to the horned & feathered
serpent spirit.
i started branding a horned
snake onto my ankle as
a tribute but it
didn't come out the way i
wanted so its probably
gonna end up being an
anarchy symbol instead.

im so happy that she likes
me though. i don't know if
i can hold it in till Mayhem
but i'll try my best.

i've made up my mind

now i just hope she feels the
same way about me.
waiting drives me insane-
being stuck between will
she say yes or not. aghhh

i think i've made the right
choice... as confusing as it
was.

the strangest dreams have
been plaguing me lately.
two nights ago a snake
covered in eyes slithered
into my dream. it wouldn't
let me grab it though because
apparently being touched
hurt it.

nd then last night i dreamed
about a huge owl, frog-like
amphibians and especially
tons of snakes. there was this
huge feathered and horned
snake surrounded by cobras
of all sizes. there was even a
mini cobra sitting on top of it.

choosing between girls
and not knowing whats
gonna end up happening
has thrown me into sexual
anxiety. at least i think
thats what it is. grrrr

i wonder if the goddess
is trying to tell me something
through all of this too.

we'll see what ends up happening.
i cant stand the wait.

hope?

a glimmer of hope
after letting go?
or is this just an
excuse for my old
demons to come back.

a chance for
dreams once
dreamt,
a new beginning?

with light comes shadows
and with hope, doubt.
a flaming passion and a
burning fury. anger at
myself, anger at chaos.
rage at the past.

and i stand at the threshold
of light and darkness, standing
guard between ecstasy and
depression again and
i must fight it.

i just hope its not a trap.

i hate today

im supposed to be at
a wednesday 13 show right now
in the city with my friend dan.
he's going off to college next
month. but then his mom ended
up not letting him go.
grrrr
and so my mom wouldn't let me
go into the city this late with
anyone else.

i was really looking forward
to that show tonight.
but at least there's still
Mayhem next month.

i feel kinda lonely too, specially
today. maybe its the sleep
deprivation exercises, which
i keep on failing at. haven't done
anything in a while though
so i miss my friends... alot.

speaking of sleep deprivation,
i just cant do it. i get too bored
at around three am. i know
gnosis is the answer to everything.
the goddess told me so herself, but
i just keep on failing to reach it.

i did do some meditation and
energy work last night though.
its easier in the dark while
half asleep to visualize the flow
of energy and stuff.

hopefully i'll see some progress soon.
i just feel really empty today.

how time's gone by and related nonsense

woah!!
the school years been over and im
already half way done with the summer.
i cant believe it, i'm a senior.
thats kinda scary.

and now that my grandma's living
with us i have less space and less
free time to do my stuff, but i don't
really mind... she's kinda fun. and
if i manage to get a summer job i'll
be able to get a car !!!

theres this girl i kinda like but a part
of me doesn't want to like her. it makes
for a really confusing and kinda emo
trip... not fun. the worst part is that
she's really awesome which makes
it even harder to not want to like
her.

aghh!
i wonder if it'll all eventually
come together.

change & chance

im kinda fed up with
how slow these last few months
have been going. theres a bunch
of things that i have to do
this month and next, ap tests
and SATs and other stuff outside
of school too, and for some
reason time slows down whenever
i dont want it to. but as i look
back to the beginning of the year
i realize its gone by way faster
than i would have wanted.

aghhh! why cant it be fall again.
i hate the sun.

and then theres the fact that
things arent going my way. change
should be faster and bound to my
will, not to chance.

the universe is moving under
me- i just hope its going in
the right direction.

sigil time

this is what happens when i get bored
and enter into trance states. or
just get bored in general. why?
thats a good question. no one really
knows. when im asleep i kinda get it,
but then it fades away when i wake up.

but if you look closely enough
at the picture something in
your own head might snap and
you might just end up understanding
dav a bit better. either that or
you'll get distracted by the colors.

XP

vibe! or not

the vibe lounge is like a cave. that or
an underground temple to the muses.
either way its one of my favorite
places to loose myself on a friday night.
just, not alone.

me and some friends were gonna
go to a battle of the bands at
vibe on sunday but they switched
it to today at some venue in oceanside.

dav, never actually paying attention, got
that it was tonight but went to the vibe
lounge instead. so im standing in the
corner of a room filled with a bunch of
scene kids, really wanting to mosh but
feeling weird because I knew absolutely
no one there.

after talking with my friend
and finding out where they were
i decided to stay for a while anyway since
the bands playing were kinda awesome.

i still ended up leaving early though. vibes
a weird place to be alone, even if i do love
the couches there. its like their trying
to eat me from how comfortable they
are.

i really should go to sleep but every time
I close my eyes music starts playing in my head.
ehhh... oh well

vorarephilia.... yumm?

cannibalism has a dark and disturbing
side to it. who would have thought!
yum.

for AP homework we had to pick a topic,
find documents and
build an essay question around it. so
of course, i picked cannibalism.
[she did say pick something close to your heart]

so after "extensive" research i learned
something new about myself.
1. eating fetuses for breakfast everyday is
probably NOT the best thing to do.
i cant believe some people in china
actually do that.
eghhhh shudders**

and

2. vorarephilia slightly intrigues me.
not that im a vore at all, its actually
kinda distrubing, its just that its
the weirdest thing ive ever heard of.
vore is like kinky cannibal sex.
who does that?

to each his own i guess, but thats where i draw the line.

the condemned first

its been a hectic month, and now the one week i had to
relax is almost gone, and ive done absolutely nothing.
shame on me.
i love it.

so, anyway, theres been so much chaos going on around
me lately. usually chaos is my lover, hail Eris! and all,
but now i kinda feel like theres a bunch of monsters just
rampaging through my head. countless hours of
meditation and all i get are monster things.
haha

ok, so since it is my first post:
im dav and im insane, theres no
way around that. it makes life more
fun. im slightly vampyric
[haha slightly]
and i confuse dreams with reality all the time.
just because you might think im
awake doesn't mean i really am.

but back to "reality"
[im an existentialist btw]
uhhhmm....
the rents and i are planning on
getting a new house, hopefully
we'll stay in freeport or some other
town close by.
so between that and keeping myself
inside my body its been intense.
oh, and the play and school and friends.

i need to write more too, i havent
written any poetry since the begining of
the month, i think.

but chaos still flows.